30 August 2008
Only Nine Headlines
Let's see if he's right. I'll give his wording of one of the template headlines, then look for the nearest and most recent equivalent.
1. EXTREME WEATHER BATTERS SOMEPLACE
This is too easy. Pick the Gustav headline of your choice or this one.
2. IDIOTS KILL INNOCENT PEOPLE
Always too easy. But this time, the idiocy in question is bizaare. "Ohio jury convicts Mom in microwaved baby case."
3. POLITICIAN DOES SOMETHING ILLEGAL
It seems that a member of the city council in Seattle Washington was recently fined in connection with awarding a no-bid contract. Then he got in further trouble by trying to use CITY funds to pay HIS fine. An old story about a murderer/orphan pleading for mercy comes to mind.
4. PRIMATE ATTEMPTS INAPPROPRIATE SEX
The primate in question would be the X-Files star David Duchony, who has just checked himself into a clinic for sex addiction. Presumably there must have been some precipitating event, which somebody would have regarded as inappropriate, to bringh this about.
If you insist on a non-human primate, one wonders what that frozen "Bigfoot" in the news of late was really up to just before his unfortunate demise.
5. EXPERTS WARN OF FINANCIAL CALAMITY
Almost the exact wording of a story I encountered earlier this month.
"Experts Warn of Unrest over Food Prices."
6. BIG COMPANY BUYS ANOTHER BIG COMPANY
Innotek and Micron.
7. FAMOUS PERSON DOES SOMETHING INTERESTING
Its a good thing a did an idle google search to find a good fit for this template, or I would never have known of the existence of the following headline: "Demi squirts milk at lesbians." About a hot night out for famous person Demi Moore, while she was lactating. I don't think you want me to provide you with a link to that. Interesting, in a bizaare sort of way.
8. A SCIENTIFIC DISCOVERY MIGHT BE USEFUL IN TEN YEARS
Cows naturally point north. Sort of making each bovine a redneck GPS.
9. GOVERNMENT FAILS TO ACHIEVE A GOAL
Hence this: "Bid to break state budget impasse falls short" from California, shockingly.
Yes, Scott, maybe there are only nine headlines. Except that you left out the sports section.
10. "One Team Defeats Another."
Knowledge is warranted belief -- it is the body of belief that we build up because, while living in this world, we've developed good reasons for believing it. What we know, then, is what works -- and it is, necessarily, what has worked for us, each of us individually, as a first approximation. For my other blog, on the struggles for control in the corporate suites, see www.proxypartisans.blogspot.com.