Only Nine Headlines

Scott Adams, the cartoonist who created Dilbert, likes to say that there are only nine news stories, constantly re-written.

Let's see if he's right. I'll give his wording of one of the template headlines, then look for the nearest and most recent equivalent.

1. EXTREME WEATHER BATTERS SOMEPLACE

This is too easy. Pick the Gustav headline of your choice or this one.

2. IDIOTS KILL INNOCENT PEOPLE

Always too easy. But this time, the idiocy in question is bizaare. "Ohio jury convicts Mom in microwaved baby case."

3. POLITICIAN DOES SOMETHING ILLEGAL

It seems that a member of the city council in Seattle Washington was recently fined in connection with awarding a no-bid contract. Then he got in further trouble by trying to use CITY funds to pay HIS fine. An old story about a murderer/orphan pleading for mercy comes to mind.


4. PRIMATE ATTEMPTS INAPPROPRIATE SEX

The primate in question would be the X-Files star David Duchony, who has just checked himself into a clinic for sex addiction. Presumably there must have been some precipitating event, which somebody would have regarded as inappropriate, to bringh this about.

If you insist on a non-human primate, one wonders what that frozen "Bigfoot" in the news of late was really up to just before his unfortunate demise.

5. EXPERTS WARN OF FINANCIAL CALAMITY

Almost the exact wording of a story I encountered earlier this month.

"Experts Warn of Unrest over Food Prices."


6. BIG COMPANY BUYS ANOTHER BIG COMPANY

Innotek and Micron.


7. FAMOUS PERSON DOES SOMETHING INTERESTING

Its a good thing a did an idle google search to find a good fit for this template, or I would never have known of the existence of the following headline: "Demi squirts milk at lesbians." About a hot night out for famous person Demi Moore, while she was lactating. I don't think you want me to provide you with a link to that. Interesting, in a bizaare sort of way.


8. A SCIENTIFIC DISCOVERY MIGHT BE USEFUL IN TEN YEARS

Cows naturally point north. Sort of making each bovine a redneck GPS.

9. GOVERNMENT FAILS TO ACHIEVE A GOAL

Hence this: "Bid to break state budget impasse falls short" from California, shockingly.

Yes, Scott, maybe there are only nine headlines. Except that you left out the sports section.

10. "One Team Defeats Another."